The MLS (Messed-up Lock Syndrome) HAIR REPORT

By: Akeem Samuels | May 12th, 2008

Akeem Samuels and Stephen Roshenshein

Many question the style of American Soccer, whether it’s the lack of talent, slow play on the field, or the overall inconsistency of the on-field product, many hate on the MLS. But, should hair be an issue? Certainly not. An American league should be able to operate without Eurotrash mullets, girly looking men with long hair, limp afros, frosted tips and ugly mops.

I know the MLS salaries are piss-poor, but even I can afford a hair cut on $30K a year. Supercuts has weekly specials and repeat customer discounts! The following players have been warned: cut it or be gutted.

In the words of the immortal, talented and schizophrenic singer-songwriter Wesley Willis, (known for his hit songs “I whooped Batman’s ass” and “I whooped Superman’s ass”):

“Get the rat’s nest off your head
Get that crazy-ass mother off your skull
Take your ass to the barber shop
Tell the barber that you’re sick of looking like an asshole”

Please let us know if you disagree with any of the choices and be sure to include your own if we left anyone off.

Coolio Rating System (Dedicated to the one and only Gangsta in Paradise):

Ugly

Uglier

Fugly

Fuglier

Fugliest

ALL-COOLIO STARTING XI
Mug	Profile
	Name: Abel Xavier Club: LA Galaxy Hairstyle: European flair. The MLS could use more of that on the field, not so much with the hair. Some reports indicate that his hair has led directly to Xavier’s new habit of falling over when contesting crosses and getting shaken by MLS attackers. Rating:
	Name: Marcel Gallardo Club: DC United Hairstyle: Luscious flowing mane of Argentinean grease. If the MLS stint doesn’t work out, and no team in South America wants you, with that Ron Jeremy-like doo, you have a serious future in the porn industry. “Gallardo’s Guilty Pleasures: Going for Goal, Vol. 1″ Rating:
	Name: Kyle Beckerman Club: Real Salt Lake Hairstyle: “Hey dude bro do you still have my Half Baked DVD bro dude?” White people should not have dreadlocks, PERIOD. Furthermore, we all love dreads, but only when they’re properly taken care of and cleaned on a regular basis. Kyle, you can learn a thing or two…buy a dread cleaning monkey. Rating:
	Name: Gonzalo Peralta Club: DC United Hairstyle: With 20 plus goals for Liverpool this year…. oh wait, you are not Fernando Torres. Rating:
	Name: Sacha Kljestan Club: Chivas USA Hairstyle: Emo, it is like punk for pussies. Congratulations though, your good form as of late qualifies you for complimentary free hair plugs and a lifetime supply of extensions. Rating:
	Name: Justin Hughes Club: Colorado Rapids Hairstyle: Not even the alien parasite disguised as his hair could propel Justin to the starting GK spot for his squad. Rating:
	Name: Juan Toja Club: FC Dallas Hairstyle: Juan is “The Man.” So much so that they have Toja Wig Night in Dallas. But in the words of my man Wesley Willis “Get the rat’s nest off your head!” Rating:
	Name: Kheli Dube Club: NE Revolution Hairstyle: There is only one Coolio. The rest are cheap imitators. Rating:
	Name: Gavin Clinton Club: San Jose Earthquake Hairstyle: Predator braids in the NFL=billy badass. Predator braids in MLS=really??!?! Rating:
	Name: Kai Kasiguran Club: Chicago Fire Hairstyle: It’s freaking cold in Chicago and there are not any real beaches. However, if you are ever sitting pool side in Chi-town and need a cabana boy to bring you Tom Collins or a Margarita, Kais got it for you. Rating:
	Name: Jaime Moreno Club: DC United Hairstyle: Silly hall-of-famer, frosted tips are for kids!!! Jager bombs? JAGER BOMBS!!! Rating:
HEAD COACH
	Name: Ruud Gullit Club: LA Galaxy Hairstyle: ‘Ruud’ awakening? God bless his soul, but Rick James wants his hair back. While it is an old photo of the Dutch Master, I could not let this one slip through the cracks. Rating: