Make Fun of Rape Allegations! Win a Free Seattle-Hating Scarf!

By: Laurie | April 7th, 2009

Just when you think your fellow human beings can’t sink any lower.

Stumbled on this truly classy “press release” yesterday afternoon, coming from ACES09. If you’re not familiar with the acronym, ACES stands for “Any Club Except Seattle” and is dedicated to hating Sounders. I’d link you to their website, but I’m not about to give them the hits.

(I thought long and hard about whether to post this at all, but in the end decided that people like this are like toxic mold: they thrive in dank, dark places. So yes, I do realize I’m taking the bait. But I think it’s important to shed a little light.)

By the way, I discovered this on a site called “Free Press Releases,” which is apparently for people who want to make themselves feel important by pretending somebody actually cares what they have to say. Except that the site is actually called “Free Press Releases” — a name which kind of makes it obvious that this whole “somebody actually cares” part is not, in fact, true.

Oh, and also? Apparently when you use this site, you not only get to create your own press release, you get to quote yourself as an official expert on the topic you are discussing and pretend that you’re intelligent and classy and not a total asshat with the maturity of a three-year-old.

But let me show you what I’m talking about:

ACES09 has released a statement on how fans of other clubs might respond to this sensitive situation, [the allegations against Fredy Montero].

“Certainly the underlying circumstances are serious. Whether the reality is an actual assault perpetrated by Montero or an attempt at extortion on the part of the accuser, there is a victim in this case either way. But outside of the accuser and the accused, nobody is in a position yet to be able to determine who the victim is.” said Andrew Wheaton, Columbus Crew supporter and ACES09 co-founder.

“When a star athlete is accused of these types of crimes, many people are quick to assume the woman is lying. We think it is important to avoid condemning either of the parties until the legal processes have run their course, but Montero’s status as a high profile professional athlete changes the rules about how to fans can respond.” said Wheaton.

“Fan support in any sport is all about giving the home team an extra advantage. Tongue-in-cheek lampooning of Montero for his current predicament is well within the realm of the types of antics used by soccer fans around the world to distract opposing players.”

“For the sake of the league and the parties involved, we sincerely hope Montero is innocent. However, supporters of other clubs should consider it within bounds to create banners and compose chants making light of Montero’s situation – as long as they do not promote bigotry or violence.” added Wheaton.

ACES09 is offering free scarves for anyone who sends in videos of in-game chants or photos of banners on this or any Anti-Sounders topic. Multi-media submissions should be sent to massive@aces09.com.

*****************************
ACES09 is a loosely assembled movement of North American soccer fans supporting teams at all levels of the sport whose cause is fostering the growth of our leagues and supporters culture on this continent. To that end, ACES09 has taken a stance both condemning aspects of the Sounders FC organization and challenging the supporters in Seattle to represent the league well. We want the best for the game on this continent. That is why we support any club except Seattle. …

Got that? Free fucking scarves to anybody who creates a video making light of the situation. Because alleged rape and/or alleged character assassination are such light, fun topics. No lives potentially destroyed here at all. Or anything.

(Oh, by the way, did you get that name and address, boys and girls? Andrew Wheaton, massive@aces09.com. Just, y’know, fyi.)