Sigi Finally Gets the Freds to Play Together, and Here’s How it Happens

Scene: Mt. Rainier, after dusk. Freddie Ljungberg and Fredy Montero are setting up camp.

Montero: So why are we here again?

Ljungberg: We are camping. Sigi says it will promote ‘male bonding.’

Montero: What’s ‘male bonding’?

Ljungberg: I think it’s American for, “You learn to pass me the ball.”

Montero: I’m not sure I like this. It’s dark. And…creepy. And…are there bears around here?

Ljungberg: A few. But don’t worry. They’ll only come around if you have food in camp.

Montero: Okay. Good. Except…wait. Why is there a salmon in my sleeping bag?

Ljungberg: I told you not to let Le Toux pack for you.

[Silence. Sounds of frogs and owls in the background.]

Montero: So what happens now?

Ljungberg: Now I advance the bonding process by giving you advice about life based on my vast experience.

Montero: Like what?

Ljungberg: Like… Women are trouble. Get a dog instead.

Montero: Oh, great. Now you tell me.

[More frogs. More owls.]

Ljungberg: I think we are making progress, yes? We are bonding?

Montero: Um…I guess.

Ljungberg: So are you ready start passing to me?

Montero: I don’t know, Freddie. I mean, you’re a good guy and all, and I really appreciate the dog advice. But I just don’t think I need to give you the ball. Those first two games we did just fine without you. We didn’t have any problems till you started playing.

Ljungberg: Ah. It’s as Sigi suspected. He thought you would be difficult to break. He told me that I should prepare for this moment. It is time for the heavy artillery. It is time for…Kum Ba Yah.

Montero: What’s Kum Ba Yah?

Ljungberg: It’s American for “That crappy song you’re not allowed to stop singing until all your issues are resolved.”

♫
Someone’s crying, Lord
Kum Ba Yah
Someone’s crying, Lord…♫

Montero: AAAAAIIIIIEEEEEE!!! Okay, okay, I’ll pass to you! I won’t try to dribble around three defenders when I have five other options! I’ll make runs off the ball! I’ll only take shots I can make! Just…stop! Please, please stop!!

Ljungberg: Brilliant. Our problems are solved. And Sigi, they’re right. You ARE a genius.

Thanks to Seattle Soccer Talk poster “bright” for the inspiration!

Category: Only on Seattle Offside, Seattle Team News